It is stupefying (classic Mike Tyson word) to think about how much has changed in relation to all things sex in the last 10 years. Just look at the news that came out last week about how half of you probably have HPV all over your cock. That is a remarkable statistic. You're a bunch of diseased fucks. You sicken me. For a split-second I even thought, "Hey, is my dick all tricked out with HPV, too? I should maybe find out." So I did what any logical human being would do; I hit up WebMD, got confused by all the medical jargon, and then conducted my own personal field test. Now I don't know if this will exactly suffice as a "proper" medical examination, but as far as the only person that matters is concerned, scanning my prick in the men's bathroom for warts and other funky shit is as legit as it gets. Sure enough, my dick still looks as pristine as ever, so I'm probably all set.
As I was saying, all this news about HPV got me thinking about other things that have entered or left our sex lives in the last 10 years. After all, a lot can change in the course of a decade -- the size of your penis notwithstanding, as that remains painfully stagnant. Take a look below at what else has completely changed or become pleasantly modified in regards to sex in the last 10 years.
Porn Revolution
Do to the drastic shift that porn distribution has taken in the last decade, this is an obvious place to start. It went from still frames to VHS to two-sided DVDs (with 6 full hours of mind-blowing action) to 100%-free Internet porn that updates hourly and offers anything your cock can imagine. There has never been a better time in history to be a jerk-off artist than today. If you put the time in, you have everything you need -- and no foreseeable excuses -- to really hone this craft. Aim for the tissue but shoot for the stars.
Less Pubes
Admit it, this has been a godsend to mankind. If you've ever run into a full bush you know it can be terrifying. You slide your hand down there thinking you're about to get a slice of heaven and instead you get the unpleasant discovery of a fucking sock puppet made from sheep's wool. I know the personal grooming revolution has scaled back a bit from the "Metrosexual" boom of the early aughts, but I'd lobby to keep this level of grooming for all eternity. Having some hair or a landing strip is one thing, ladies, but an untamed rat's nest is unacceptable.
Sexting
More than anything else, even Facebook, texting has changed the game in sexual interaction. Before texts, you had no vehicle to send the same "are you out tonight?" message to seven different chicks at 1 a.m. You certainly weren't going to call them all. You're in a bar, it's loud, and you want to weigh your options. Not shoot yourself in the foot by having all of them meet you out. With texting, you can pick and choose who you respond to. If Betty is hotter than Amy, and both respond, you ignore Amy's message and just tell her (the next day) you were so fucking lit you didn't see her response till the morning. The dolt will believe you, brush it off as "you being you," and then fall for it again next weekend.
More than anything else, even Facebook, texting has changed the game in sexual interaction. Before texts, you had no vehicle to send the same "are you out tonight?" message to seven different chicks at 1 a.m. You certainly weren't going to call them all. You're in a bar, it's loud, and you want to weigh your options. Not shoot yourself in the foot by having all of them meet you out. With texting, you can pick and choose who you respond to. If Betty is hotter than Amy, and both respond, you ignore Amy's message and just tell her (the next day) you were so fucking lit you didn't see her response till the morning. The dolt will believe you, brush it off as "you being you," and then fall for it again next weekend.
Not to be forgotten, sexting also brings us naked pictures on demand. But if you are really concerned with getting those, for any other reason than showing your boys or future blackmail, you probably don't get laid all that often.
Recreational Use of Male Enhancement Medication
Even if we don't need their help, there is something about that little pill and the jackhammer hard-on it not only promises, but delivers, that men of all ages just can't deny. And it's going to take a much bigger threat than a four-hour boner to get us to stop doing it.
(you just know this young Roethlisberger crushes it)
Dating Sites
I know a few people who have used these solely to get fucked. Makes sense, all the chicks on them are desperate -- don't let that "I'm too busy" routine fool you, they are desperate as shit -- so when they finally score a date they put out like crazy. Never to be called again, wondering how they possibly could have gone wrong. If you're in to not destroying a woman's spirit, you could go to Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison.
I know a few people who have used these solely to get fucked. Makes sense, all the chicks on them are desperate -- don't let that "I'm too busy" routine fool you, they are desperate as shit -- so when they finally score a date they put out like crazy. Never to be called again, wondering how they possibly could have gone wrong. If you're in to not destroying a woman's spirit, you could go to Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison.
Plan B
This might come as bad news to abortion purists but since the morning-after pill became over-the-counter, the old butane-torch-and-a-hanger method has officially become Plan C. Hopefully in a few years everyone will start using this more often (when they fear the worst has happened) so we can have less idiots roaming the earth and we can stop glorifying hillbilly trash for having a child at 15 years-old.
This might come as bad news to abortion purists but since the morning-after pill became over-the-counter, the old butane-torch-and-a-hanger method has officially become Plan C. Hopefully in a few years everyone will start using this more often (when they fear the worst has happened) so we can have less idiots roaming the earth and we can stop glorifying hillbilly trash for having a child at 15 years-old.
Education
Some schools shy away from sex-ed entirely -- removing any and all programs -- while others put on the casual fucksaw exhibit using a live vagina. Ten years ago there wasn't such a drastic division, a middle ground existed where we all got taught the same basic principles. It was simple and pretty useless shit (like how to put a condom on a banana), but today we seem to have extremes in both directions.
Expectations
These have gone into the stratosphere, on multiple levels. Girls are expected to give it up quicker and perform more off-the-wall acts while men can only hold their head high among their peers after they've thoroughly dominated a pussy. I mean, if you spend the night with a chick and come home with one or two slimy fingers, don't bother telling anyone about it. No one cares if you have feelings for her, or that you've written a love sonnet, we just want to hear about how her nose bled from all the vaginal trauma you caused.
Cougars
Sure the whole "Mrs. Robinson" mystique has existed forever, but it wasn't until the early 2000s that these war-torn vets came out in droves and took on a new and empowering name: "Cougar." They wore it with pride as they began polluting martini bars and corporate happy hour spots all in search of a new boy toy. As a result of all this, these broads have become a lasting fantasy of young college men the world over.
Vaginal Rejuvenation
What a natural segue from cougars. If you are unfamiliar with this, it's basically transforming a mangled, shot-out mess back to its vibrant youth. With vaginal restoration, there are no losers.
STDs
Like I said in the intro, HPV is currently the popular kid in school... the Justin Bieber of STDs (that might actually be an oxymoron). I still don't know where the fuck I have I been to miss HPV blasting onto the scene. I'm still over here watching HIV commercials and wondering how it can give you butt-hole cancer. Meanwhile, HPV slides right in and tells us that dining on spoiled muff might lead to throat cancer. I'm not saying that HIV isn't a big deal anymore, but to quote a doctor after a recent test, "If you have it, it's not big deal, you can live a normal life with it." Sans the impending shithole cancer, of course.
Like I said in the intro, HPV is currently the popular kid in school... the Justin Bieber of STDs (that might actually be an oxymoron). I still don't know where the fuck I have I been to miss HPV blasting onto the scene. I'm still over here watching HIV commercials and wondering how it can give you butt-hole cancer. Meanwhile, HPV slides right in and tells us that dining on spoiled muff might lead to throat cancer. I'm not saying that HIV isn't a big deal anymore, but to quote a doctor after a recent test, "If you have it, it's not big deal, you can live a normal life with it." Sans the impending shithole cancer, of course.
In all seriousness, medical advancements of the last decade have made most STDs less concerning. However, it still shouldn't be a goal of yours to obtain one. And girls, and probably guys soon too, should get the HPV vaccine.
The culmination of all the things listed above shakes out as #12 on our list:
It's Easier to Get Laid
It just is. Ten years ago we had tons of fucking red tape, not to mention we had to go out and put in a little thing called "effort", but today -- thanks to tools like sexting, Facebook, and over-the-counter Plan B -- getting fucked is a breeze. Plus we owe a standing-O to lofty expectations, because they have caused woman to loosen up and put out more. And perhaps that can be simplified by using a slightly modified math problem: Two chicks on two separate trains left a station traveling in opposite directions at the same rate. One train traveled at 372 miles in one and a half hours more than the time it took the other train to travel 279 miles. Which train has the chick that is most likely to put out? Trick question... both are huge whores. Have a nice afternoon.
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